The rest of the day was spent getting used to being a family of four again! It's been two weeks since it's only been us 4 in our house! (I am NOT complaining either. It has been a FUN two weeks!) But Ian and I had to get used to parenting, cleaning, diapering, dressing, etc. etc. again because we've had so much help! I think Cayman is going to have the hardest time. He definitely got used to having the extra attention (and all the extra snuggles) for two whole weeks. There were definitely a few power struggles today. I am trying not to be pessimistic, but I'm thinking this might be a challenging week! Already I'm praying for the Lord's peace in our home and for patience to run amok! :)
Last night was pretty challenging for me. I was a little overwhelmed with something that has definitely plagued me in the past. Sometimes I feel guilty for the feelings I will soon write about, but I think it's good for me to write about them, just in case there's another mother having the same feelings as me! If that's you, you're not alone! OR...maybe there is no one else that feels this way...maybe I'm the only stay-at-home mommy that struggles with these feelings. If that's the case, please don't pass judgment on me! Just love me anyways! :)
I was laying in bed last night TRYING so hard to fall asleep. I think I was sleeping, but not deeply, and so I was waking up every 10-15 minutes. I was miserable. Finally, I was able to drift off into a deep sleep, when all of a sudden, Charis started crying. She was hungry. I rarely ask Ian to get up with the kids because he needs as much sleep as he can get for work. But boy, sometimes, I want to just lay there in bed, and see how long it would take him to hear Charis over the monitor. I promise you, the child would cry all night before he'd wake up! He can sleep through EVERYTHING. And it makes me so sick! (Especially when my neck hurts, I'm PMS-ing, and I'm exhausted from not sleeping at all.) I got up, fixed Charis a bottle, grabbed a diaper and wipe, and took her back to our bed so I could lay down while she ate. While I laid there, I had this long conversation with Ian where I just let him have it! "Do you not realize how I feel? I am so tired! I never get a break. (Ok. Hardly ever.) Even when the kids are asleep, I think about them. I can never get away from them! They're always there. I'm always thinking about them - worried about something - pondering some parenting issue. Why doesn't that happen to you?" The conversation went on and on, as long as it took Charis to drink her bottle. Of course, Ian slept through the whole conversation I had with him in my head. He actually has no idea that I even had those thoughts because almost as I soon as I finished the conversation in my head, the Lord reminded me of a few things. He had His own conversation with me! 1. I am blessed to be a mother. A lot of women never get to experience the joys of pregnancy, childbirth, motherhood, etc. 2. My children are healthy and happy and full of joy. 3. I GET to stay at home with my children everyday! I don't have to drop them off somewhere for other people to take care of them, laugh with them, watch all their firsts, discipline them (or choose NOT to discipline them). 4. My husband is an amazing father, and he takes such good care of us. But he also desires to be such a big part of our children's lives.
So. Needless to say, I was put in my place last night, thankfully. Will I ever have those thoughts again? Most likely. It's still a struggle to be thankful at times. But I'm blessed to have a heavenly Father who's not afraid to put me in my place sometimes!
Special Addendum: Tonight, I took a Tylenol PM to help me get plenty of rest. Ian got up two different times with Charis, once before we fell asleep and another time while we were both asleep and I didn't even have to wake him up! He heard her and got up to go get her! :) Just thought I should share.....
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